I knew that having a toddler would mean I would get to use a lot of band-aids and kiss a lot of booboo’s, but sometimes you have to deal with a little more than superficial wounds. Conner has recently given me a few scares that have caused a few wrinkles to pop out, but also a thankful heart to be opened up.

A few weeks back we were eating lunch with a friend, and he began to choke on a pretzel. I remember from my CPR class (that I took many, many moons ago) that as long as they are coughing, it meant air was getting in and out and you shouldn’t smack them on the back or help them physically. But Conner began to get panicked as he couldn’t catch his breath and then in an instant he went from red-faced to completely purple and not able to breathe. Have you ever seen your child full-out choking? Did it scare the crap out of you? It should. It was terrifying. I jumped out of my chair and began the heimlich, which on the second attempt caused his food to dislodge and he vomitted on the table. As he sobbed into my chest for a good bit it didn’t hit me until later what had happened, and then as my baby took a nap in his crib, I sat and sobbed outside his bedroom door.

Today while at a friends house, we were sitting in the kitchen and Conner fell against a door and popped it open (that I thought was just the pantry) and began to fall backwards down the basement steps. It took a minute for me to realize what was going on, but as I kept hearing the thud of each step he hit, I began to panic. He was okay - just scared out of his mind - and as I checked him over he began to calm down and I breathed a sigh of relief that there would be no lasting effects except a fear of that particular doorway. Within a few minutes he was laughing and playing again, totally unphased by what had happened. It wasn’t until a few hours later as I was praising Jesus that he was okay, that those horrible “what if’s” crept into my mind, and then I couldn’t stop crying.

The thing that is sobering in both of these instances is they were complete accidents - I wasn’t in another room not watching him or not paying attention, both times I was siting right there with him and it just happened. And it happened so fast. Today was probably the worst of the two situations and as I sat there sobbing over the what-if’s, I kept thinking that just as fast as it happened, I could’ve lost him just like that. One minute I’m laughing and talking with a friend, the next my child is gone.

As Tim was giving Conner his bath tonight, they were laughing and talking and Conner kept laughing this laugh that only Tim can get him to do. And my eyes welled up with tears at the thought of never getting to hear that laugh again. Life is so short and it’s so precious and it can change in the blink of an eye. It made me thank God so much for protecting Conner, in these instances and even the ones that don’t seem so threatening, and also send up a prayer for any mother who has ever lost a child. Our time on this earth is so limited - enjoy your babies, hug them, kiss them and tell them you love them everyday. You’ll never regret that you did.

Dear Conner,

I can not believe I am the mother of a two year old. Where did the last year…the last two years go? I feel like you were born, I blinked, and here we are twenty-four months later. There is so much I want to say to you, because I feel like time is only going to go by faster and before I know it I will be writing a letter to you that you will be reading on your way to college. Even now I struggle to find the right words to say. My heart knows how to speak them, but all I can do is try and convey the feelings to my head which leave me in awe and slightly weepy.

The last year has been one of the best years of my life. I thought you were fun before, but watching you turn into this little person…I never knew kids could be so much fun and could make me laugh so much. Watching your personality emerge has been one of the best parts of this parenting gig. From the way you talk with your hands (like me) to the way you want to listen to the same song on Dane Zanes CD over and over (like your father), you show us snippets of who you are and who you are becoming and I am still so amazed that I get to know you. You are such a treasure. You are a constant reminder to me of how much the Lord must love me to have blessed me with such an amazing child.

I can’t wait to see you step up to your role as a big brother. You are so sensitive and a natural protector. I’ll never forget the nursery worker telling me you always pick the smallest child in the room and make sure no other child takes their sippy cup. We were at the play park last week with a friend and I jokingly told you to watch over her and for the rest of our time there you were by her side. You are not easily provoked, and you draw other’s to you. These are all amazing character traits and I know the Lord is preparing you for something big and I can’t wait to see what that is.

Even tho I’ve been a mom now for two years and feel seasoned in so many ways, each new stage produces unmarked terrain where I have to make a decision and hope it is the best one for you. One of my greatest fears is wounding you, and while I hope any wounds I do inflict are superficial, it’s still something I never want you to feel. Love drives us to do crazy things that don’t always make sense, so I hope you know I do what I do because I love you so much.

Some days I can’t wait for you to be older, since I know it’ll make both our lives easier in certain ways. But most days I want to freeze you in my memory and in my heart of how you are right now. You are getting so big and soon you won’t fit in my lap anymore. You won’t want me to hold you or kiss your boo-boo’s. You won’t want to hear me tell you how much I love you. So until then I hold onto you a little longer and a little tighter. I tell you a little more tenderly how much you mean to me. And I welcome you in my arms anytime you need me, both today and fifty years from now.

Happy Birthday, my precious Conner. I love you more than you will ever know.

Love,

Mama