About a month ago, Tim and I came to the realization that while Max was extremely easy-going, his sleeping patterns were getting worse and worse. I was having to nurse him or bounce him to sleep for his naps, and he wouldn’t even go down for the night unless Tim was holding him. It really came to a head the week that Tim was gone and I was on my own with a baby that did not want to sleep. Some of you have no idea what I’m talking about and your babies probably came out of the womb putting themselves to sleep. Sadly, neither of mine were built with that coding. Conner was an extreme case and we had to literally bounce him for hours at night to 1) stop the crying and 2) get him to sleep. By three months, I said enough was enough (actually, I think I screamed through tears and months of sleep deprevation) and we started sleep training him. It only took a few weeks, but by four months old he would go to sleep on his own and Tim and I could reclaim our evenings together. But the best part was Conner has not had any sleep issues since.
So imagine my horror when I realized we were heading in that direction again. Max would not fall asleep unless he was rocked, bounced or nursed. Some of you think, “What’s the big deal about that?” Well, it was a big deal to us. I liked having the evenings free - to watch TV, cuddle with the hubby or work on something personal. Getting Max to sleep was turning into a 45-60 minute ordeal, and would end with him falling asleep in one of our arms and then would wake when he would be transfered to the crib, starting the whole process over again. I fought and fought the urge to begin sleep training since I kept thinking he was too young. But I realized, just like with Conner, it was getting worse by the day and the time had come for us to do this. I must take this opportunity to say that we did what we needed to do for our family and this matter isn’t up for debate, so please don’t use it as such. I respect everyone’s right to practice in their family what they’re comfortable with, and I ask that you give my family the same respect.
I had been reading a blog that I found randomly when Max was just a few days old and it was linked to it’s program, The Sleep Sense Program, an ebook written by Dana Obleman, a professional infant and child sleep specialist. The book talks about sleep patterns and how important sleep is to children of all ages, and gives practical application to begin helping your child form healthy sleep habits. I hemmed and hawed for a while whether or not I should buy it, but on Thursday morning of September 25, with my husband across the country and my infant screaming in his crib because he was that tired I broke down and bought it. And oh my gosh, was it worth every penny.
I can not tell you how much I appreciated this book and in so many ways. But first, I emailed Dana, the author, and told her that I wanted to interview her on my blog, since I know so many people with babies or those about to have babies and I know first-hand the frustrations of trying to get your baby to sleep. So consider this review a freebie - I just had to share this information!
Dana, you consider yourself well-educated about infant and child sleep. Just how important, in your opinion, is sleep to young children? Oh, SO important! Not just to children, but to everyone! It’s the corner stone of a healthy lifestyle. Lack of sleep is now being linked to ADD, obesity, heart problems, depression, anxiety, traffic accidents and the list goes on. All children do not fit into the same sleep need box. Just like adults, it can vary by a few hours per child, but it is crucial that children get enough sleep to feel rested and ready to tackle the day. If a child is not getting enough sleep, they can become cranky, easily upset, aggressive, hyper, and clingy.
One thing that kept us from wanting our son to learn to sleep on his own was the fact that he might cry, and that he would cry a lot. Is this a common fear? Oh yes! It’s the most popular question I get asked… I wish there was a way to teach a child to sleep well without any crying, but in my opinion there just isn’t, and here is why; All people are very habitual about their night time sleep habits. We don’t like a lot of surprises. We usually sleep on the same side of the bed, have our own pillow, a glass of water by the bed, some people need ear plugs, others music, whatever it is, it’s your sleeps habits. To change them would cause you anxiety. If you were a child, you would probably cry about it… Learning to sleep well, without props is like teaching your child a brand new skill. You can be supportive and encouraging, but the actual skill is theirs to learn. If I was teaching my son how to swim, for example, I wouldn’t just throw him in the pool and run away! I would get him some lessons and I would be encouraging and cheer him on, but the actual skill is his to master. That is the way I feel about teaching a child to sleep well.
In your book, you talk about your first son having problems learning to sleep on his own. Tell us a little about that and what kind of sleeper he is today or the difference in his sleep compared to your youngest child, having starting her off on the right foot earlier. My oldest son is now 6 and is the BEST sleeper I know! He goes to bed happily at 7:00 pm and comes in to wake us up at 7:00 am. But you are right, he did not start out this way. I just didn’t know any better at the time, and I would always nurse him to sleep. Then I tried replacing the nursing with a soother, which was just the same problem in a different form. It wasn’t until he was almost 5 months old, that I finally realized he might actually need to learn something different in order to sleep well. My third child, and even the second were great sleepers right from the start. I made sure that they went back to sleep at the right times, and I encouraged them to find their own way to sleep instead of relying on a soother or my breast to do the work for them. If you start off right, you never really have to go through long bouts of crying, as the skills just develop naturally and the baby starts sleeping longer and longer. Both my children where sleeping through the night by 12 weeks.
At what age do you recommend parents begin preparing their child to develop healthy sleep patterns? Oh, you can start that right from day one! It has a lot to do with timing. A newborn can really only stay awake for about fourty-five minutes to one hour at a time, so if you put her to bed at the right time, she will often fall asleep on her own. I’m not saying you should never rock your baby to sleep or hold her while she sleeps, you should! Not much feels better than a sleeping newborn in your arms, but you just don’t want to do this all the time, or it may be the only way she thinks she can get and stay asleep. It’s not as much fun if you feel like its something you HAVE to do or your child won’t sleep.
How is your approach different from other method’s that you have read or researched? Well, like I said above, I think it’s pretty impossible to do without any kind of crying, but I do offer parents the option of staying in the room with their child. Again, if it’s about skill development, then it’s fine to stay and be supportive and encouraging, but you just don’t’ want to interfere in the new skill. If you stay and pat your child to sleep, then you are running the risk of incorporating yourself into his new strategy and you may have to go in continuously to pat him back to sleep. I also think the Sleep Sense Program is more step-by- step which is helpful for tired parents who have trouble formulating an actual PLAN from all the other sleep books they have read.
If you could give a piece of advice about children’s sleep and developing healthy sleep habits, what would it be? Allow your child the opportunity to master their own sleep needs! By constantly rocking, bouncing, feeding, soothing, bottle feeding, driving, walking our children to sleep, I feel that we are robbing them of an important life-long skill. Everyone needs to feel confident that they can get themselves to sleep every night. If you relied on a bunch of external “things” or people to help you, then what happens when you need or want to do it yourself? I’ve seen children as old as 14 who never gained that confidence, and now feel like they need their parents to be there to help in some way. That can be pretty awkward when the child has a friend stay the night, or wants to go for a sleep over!
So if you’re starting to have the same realization we had, or you’re about to have a baby and want to start them off on the right foot right away, this ebook is definitely worth a look. And you can’t go wrong since she guarantees she can help you or you get your money back. We’re week three into this and Max rarely fusses before he goes to sleep and is in bed by 7 pm, wakes only twice before he’s up for the day at 7 am. Bedtime and naptime are no longer a battle for us and it’s so liberating!
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